Boxing Day Sales 101

For me Christmas means three things; extended family lunches consisting of tables heaving under piles of prawns and pudding (as well as sitting through hour-long stories told by old relatives), presents and, of course, Boxing Day Sales. Now, I don't mean to diminish the idea of Christmas being about family, peace and joy, but if I had to choose between hearing about how my Great Uncle found a whole dollar on the ground back in 1939, or buying a Sass and Bide dress at 40% off, I know which one I'd choose. Boxing Day sales, however, are not always a walk in the park...shopping centers become steam rooms and Bourke street turns into a spectacle from Gladiator. So, to get you through the sales, I've put together a little guide on how best to survive this, somewhat brutal, period.

1. Ladies, this one's for you and is perhaps one of the most crucial things to remember. To avoid pain, complaining and having feet like a hobbit the next day, for the love of God, do not wear heels. I know, I know, it may seem like a good idea at the time because they make everything you try on look better, but trust me, callouses the size of Tasmania on your big toe look hot on no one.

2. Bring a friend. Two pairs of hands are always better than one, and you never know, they might just swipe up that last Forever New skirt in the right size for you. What else are friends for?
*note: this friend must be fit, agile and completely dedicated to the shopping mission at hand. The weak get left behind.

3. Remember to cut your fingernails. This one seems a bit odd, I know, but when you're riffling through a pile of $10 clothes, your chances of scratching A) Yourself B) Your friends or C) A complete stranger, are significantly reduced.

4. Eating is a necessity. It may seem like a good idea at the time to shop through the entire afternoon without sustenance, but what with all the heat, queues and crowds, you'll need to keep your glucose levels up. Otherwise your mates will find you in the fetal position in a communal change room, sobbing because someone got to the last pair of Tony Bianco sandals before you. Not a good look.

5. Show at least a little restraint. It can be challenging when there's a pair of chinos for only $35, but have a think. Do you really need them considering you have eight pairs already? And there's nothing worse than pulling out all the clothes you bought that day, only to discover that you don't actually like any of them. I'm sure you thought that Slightly Too Big Pink Cardigan was a good idea at the time as it was only $15, but really...it probably wasn't.

6. Strap a hunting knife to your shin. Or stash a machete in your handbag. These are in lieu of your nails, of course. So when you have that slow motion moment where you and some blond bitch (I'm sure she's actually very nice, but let's assume she's a bitch for the stories sake) both leap for that last Finders Keepers Frock at the same time...she'll stand no chance. And you really, really want that dress.

So, with these little pointers in mind, you should be able to wrangle your way around the CBD, Melbourne Central, Brunswick Street, Chadstone and Chapel Street, without too much drama. Happy shopping my Dear Melbourne Ones...let the sales begin!